Thoughts and revelations...

This morning I woke quite early, and couldn't sleep. I read some, prayed some, tried to go back to sleep, but couldn't, and then had quite the revelation. I thought you might like to know that I came to the conclusion that I'm finally ready to go home!!  As strange as that may sound, it did take some time for me to be able to come to that place. Here are some of the thoughts that have gone through my head this morning – hopefully they will give you insight as to how I came to be where I am now. I have not shared much about my feelings, for various reasons, but I feel that I can now express some of what I have felt and experienced with you.

 

Life in the past few months has not been normal, that we all know. First we had to deal with simply surviving, then coping with the pain and limitations that we were faced with. The various changes in surroundings sometimes were good, sometimes not so good. Please understand that we know that we were overwhelmingly surrounded by so much support and care as we simply tried to make it through each day, and for that we will be forever grateful. Then came the transfer to G F Strong. That was the biggest step toward major recovery. It was a safe place to be, a place where I knew I could heal and get better. It was also where I knew God wanted me to be as I learned more and more to depend on Him for the strength for each day. I learned to walk again, among other things. But more importantly, I learned to look past myself and my own hurts to the needs of others. I knew from the beginning that we had all been spared, but during the initial stages of physical healing, it was hard to look past the pain. But God was patient, kind and loving, keeping us focused on what needed to be done at the time. Looking ahead was something that I wasn't ready to do. For the 3 short hours that I was able to be in my own home on Easter Sunday, as wonderful as it was, it made me very aware of my injuries, and my inability to cope in a normal setting. It was very difficult at the time, and I put the experience behind me, knowing that someday I would again need to face going home.

 

For a long time, I was afraid that I wouldn't be ready when the time came to leave here. Afraid of being surrounded by the familiar and not knowing what to do; afraid of being made more aware of what I am limited with; afraid of not being able to cope; afraid of not feeling normal ever again. Over the past week or so, each time I leave here to go to my mom's or my sister's homes, I have started to feel less and less afraid. More like I can fit in, feel "normal". More like I can cope, take on responsibility again, and concentrate on getting on with life. For so long, I have been focused on getting better – well, I am now better. I know that I still have a ways to go to get back my strength and endurance, but I can function now like I couldn't a few weeks ago. I can go out in public and not look that different from everyone else. Now I need to start the process of emotional and mental healing, and for that, I feel like I need my family and my home. I walked down the empty hallway this morning around 3, and just had an overwhelming sense that I am finished here. I want to go home. I need to go back to where we left off, and start life in the "new normal", as my sister fondly named it. I truly sense that my job here is finished. There are still things that I need to do here, appointments and exercises, physio and speech therapy, and more. But now I feel that it is time to wrap things up, do what needs to be done, and move on.

 

It's quite amazing the confidence that has come with this revelation. I so clearly remember thinking that it would be so scary to leave the routine that has developed over the past 4 ½ months, the safety of being taken care of, and the knowledge that I was in a place surrounded by people just like me. That has changed. God has done miracles, and I am now no longer like the people around me. Sure, I still have and will always have a spinal cord injury, but praise God, He has allowed me to be strong, firm, and steadfast, making my steps sure as it says in the verse that we claimed back in February. The impact of this knowledge is so great, and I worship and praise my Lord for restoring me! It's time to go home!